Day #357 – Her

I’ve written about her before, several times.

Last night she told me that she bookmarked the site and has started reading it every day.  So I know she’ll be reading this soon.

I love you Estelle. I love you more than you could ever imagine.  I am so, so proud of you.  I’m so proud of everything you are and everything you will become.

You are absolutely the BEST sister that Tucker could ever ask for.

You are patient.
You are kind.
You are compassionate.

You make a difference in his life – in all of our lives. You provide a smile when we’re in a low moment. You put your hand on his when he’s struggling.  You ask for help when he can’t. You recognize when things aren’t right in the environment – and you try to change them before he can react.  You pay attention to what we do so you can help him.

You advocate for all people who have autism.  A week ago you told me you didn’t even know why the word, ‘normal’ existed -because, in your words, “What really is normal anyway?”  You simply advocate for loving all people…in all the ways that make your mama very proud.

You are wise beyond your years and more mature than most 6th graders.

All of that because you learned, gracefully, how to take the back seat.  Trust me, I know that’s not fun..but you did it.  You did it for your brother, you did it for all of us…and I will never be able to tell you how proud that makes me.  You did it without asking, and continue to do so.  You are the epitome of selflessness.

You must know that this did not go unseen.  I notice you every day.  I notice you growing and maturing.  I notice you changing into a beautiful young woman and I wonder, daily, where my little girl with curly blonde hair and bright blue eyes went.  The truth is…I can’t always remember.  He took so much of my time – I don’t often remember, but know it wasn’t because I loved you less.  I’m holding on to the memories I have in a steel cage in my brain – because I don’t ever want to lose them…or you.

I know that life has, often, seemed unfair and you have always handled that with grace.   You have turned the other cheek more than any 11-year-old should have to.

The truth is…I cry for you too.  I cry because you probably didn’t get to play as much as other kids, or go places, or take vacations, or have a sibling that could really interact and play with you.

Know that I recognize you never made me feel guilty or sad that this wasn’t your reality.
Know that I recognize you never made Tucker feel guilty or sad that this wasn’t your reality.

Yesterday you came to me and said, “Mom, I think that focus oil is working.  Did you hear him?  Did you hear his story?  It was full of detail and organized and he got all the way through it without getting frustrated or giving up.  I think it’s working!

Your love and care for your brother is remarkable and unmatched.

Your love, care, and support in helping me write this blog has been unparalleled.  You made sure I wrote everyday and answered my questions when I asked.  You were an integral part of so many posts – and you never, ever complained about it taking time away from you.

My child, you are exceptional – in all of the most important ways.  You may not be super at math (finish your homework after you read this), you may not be super sporty, you may not be super popular…but I need you to know that none of that matters.

None of it.  Not one bit –

Because what you are is…


You are all of the greatest things in life wrapped up into one package…and you are forever mine and that makes me the luckiest mama in the world.



6 thoughts on “Day #357 – Her

  1. I felt this moment as mine, “It wasn’t because I loved you less.”

    Everyday, I watch my own daughter and son in a similar situation. Here’s what I would add, “‘It wasn’t because I loved you less.’ “It’s because you are capable of loving more.'”

    You amaze me, A.

    Love, Mama


  2. Pingback: Day #327 – Indexing | 366 Days of Autism

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