Day #250 – Cry, Cry, Cry

Yep, we’re Cash fans in our house.  Odd (but awesome), Johnny Cash has long been one of Tucker’s favorites.  Estelle’s favorite movie?  Walk the Line.  No, probably not the most appropriate movie for a 10-year-old…but it’s real life.  A movie about losing yourself, finding love, and then finding peace in life.

It’s a peace that sometimes escapes me.

Tucker is with his dad this weekend.  I struggle on these weekends, but not for the reasons one would think.  Sure, I miss him – but we still talk and/or text every day.

These weekends, when he is gone, I let it out.

All of it.

I lose my peace.

I spend a lot of the weekend in tears.

Crying about just wanting ‘one thing to go right for him.’
Crying about where we’ve been.
Crying about the uncertainties.
Crying about the unfairness.
Crying about math tests.
Crying about lost opportunities.
Crying about wishing it was easier.
Crying about the possibility of him not being able to be in a weight room because of the noise (for the boy who ‘football is life’ this is kind of a big deal).

Cry, cry, cry.  I know, I’m a bawl baby…but at least I’m in admission.

Today I had a realization.

I cry, because I spend most of my time holding it together.

Before the ‘weekends with dad’ phase of our lives I cried in the shower, I cried in the bathroom, I cried on my runs, I cried when I drove to work (and home).

I cried in those moments, because I spent most of my time holding it together.

Finding Neverland is one of my very favorite movies…I was thinking about that movie in relation to this post.  Now, if you’ve seen the movie you may think I’m going to refer to the final scene which is a complete sobfest – like the ‘I can’t breathe’ kind of crying.  Alas, this a different scene (sighs of relief all around for not making anyone relive the final scene).

There is a scene between Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet’s characters (JM Barrie and Sylvia Davies).  They are discussing her cancer diagnosis….

JM Barrie:  They can see it, you know.  You can’t go on just pretending.
Sylvia:  Just pretending?  You brought pretending into this family, James.  You showed us we can change things by simply believing them to be different.
JM Barrie:  A lots of things, Sylvia.  Not everything.
Sylvia:  But the things that matter.  We’ve pretended for some time now that you’re a part of this family, haven’t we?  You’ve come to mean so much to us all that now, it doesn’t matter if it’s true.  And even if it isn’t true, even if that can never be…I need to go on pretending…until the end…with you. (

Many a reader has commented on my ability to be calm and hold it together. How?  Just like this scene…

I believe I can change things by simply believing them to be different.

But then real life sneaks in – I can’t change everything. The catch is that I never let ‘real life’ sneak in while Tucker is around.  I am so focused and intent on believing ‘things to be different’ that I don’t often take time to think about the ‘what-if’s and maybe’s.’

Instead, I just go on pretending.

When he isn’t here I tend to think about the ‘what-if’s and maybe’s.’

Those moments are tough.  Really tough.  Then my husband finds me, he reminds me that I have a partner in all of it.  He reminds me that I don’t know the future.  He reminds me to continue believing.

It’s like I’ve lost myself, found love, and then find my peace again.

Just in time for Tucker to return home.


6 thoughts on “Day #250 – Cry, Cry, Cry

  1. The first time I felt Ben move I was listening to Ring of Fire. Before he was born, if I needed to get him moving all I had to do was play a little Johnny. Crying is good. It’s cathartic. It helps tip a little out of the cup so it never goes deluge. Mama’s cry because our hearts are always so full.


  2. Pingback: Day #327 – Indexing | 366 Days of Autism

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