Day #183 – Half-Way

I know…I promised a post about sleep – but you’ll just have to wait until tomorrow.

Today is day 183 and by my calculations (actually my husband) that is half of 366.

What?  We’re half-way through this journey!

Thank you – thank you for reading.  Thank you for sharing.  Thank you for being part of our journey.

If you haven’t been with us since Day 1 – the deal was to write every day for 366 days (see Day #1 – The Journey). So far I’ve written 133,442 words (418 pages) about our journey with the Autism Spectrum.  Who knew I had so much to say? (I’m glad I can’t hear laughter of friends and family through my computer screen.)

I don’t know what comes after Day 366 – a break, for sure.  I’m sure I’ll keep writing – but not every day.

Regardless, I’ve often wondered if I’m doing the right thing by sharing our lives – by putting it all ‘out there.’  Am I actually violating the people around me by sharing our stories?  Have I violated the trust with my parents, my cousins, our teachers, my friends?  Most of all, am I violating Tucker?

What will he think in 10 years if he reads this blog?

Tucker…if you are 22 and reading this…here is what I want to say.

Dear Tucker,

I started this blog after 12 years of journaling about our experiences.  My intention was to never gain fame or money or followers.  My original intention to write was very personal.  I needed to keep track of your successes – without knowing where we have been, how would I ever remember how far we have come?  (See Day #148 – The Rear View Mirror). So I would write to make me feel better.  I would write to help myself remember things/tricks that helped you.  I would write to stay calm.  I would write so that I wouldn’t lose it.  I would cry while I wrote – so that you didn’t see my sadness or my frustration.  

This sadness and frustration was never directed toward you – but toward the thing that makes your life more difficult than most people.  I need you to know that autism frustrates me.  Not because you frustrate me – but because I want your life to be easier than it is. 

You have never frustrated me.

You have never made me sad.

 My intention was never to hurt you, blame you, or berate you…my intention was to always encourage you, lift you, and love you. 

So, I began sharing our stories and people wanted to know more.  They wanted to know more about you, they wanted to understand you, they wanted to be your friend.

It took me two years to have the courage to actually put it out there.  

Then…they wanted to know more for themselves.  They wanted help in understanding their own children, their grandchildren, their nieces/nephews, their students.

Would we have been remiss in not helping?  

Tucker, we all have a story to tell.  Really, it is the only thing that is truly unique to our self.  Others can look like us and have personalities like us – others may have the same religion or beliefs.  We are not so different from other humans, except in our story.  Everyone has their own story to tell – and it is within the story that you really know, understand, and value a person for who they are, where they have been, and what is yet to come. It is this story that we needed to tell.

We needed others to know you, understand you, and value you.  

We needed others to know who you are, where you have been, and where you are heading.

We needed others to know, understand, and value others who have autism or any other special needs.

It’s our job, as humans, to encourage compassion and understanding between other humans.  The greatest rule we were given was, “‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no greater commandment.”

So, that’s why.  That’s why I wrote this blog-so that with greater understanding people would love each other.  Please know every word was in love…for you and your human experience.  For the story that you cannot tell – and I know so much of it is from my perspective.  I wish I could change that.  I wish I could write your words – but you know why I can’t.  So, the only thing I can write from is my experience of loving and watching you.  My sweet boy – how much joy you have brought to all of us – and now, know that you have also brought so much understanding to so many people…more than you can imagine.

I can never thank you enough for being who you are.  I can never thank you enough for teaching me so much. I am blessed and honored to be your mother.

You are remarkable, truly remarkable.

Love, 

Mom