Day #169 – My Child Is Not An Honor Student

And it’s okay.  Seriously, it’s okay.

Maybe your child is an honor student. That’s okay too…

Not that you needed me to tell you that.

The Iowa Test of Basic Skills are coming.  Let me tell you, these things cause me anxiety.

Last year when my children came home with their Iowa Assessments they were both concerned that their ‘bold, black lines’ didn’t go into the 90th percentile like many of their friends. Commence questioning, “I guess I’m not very smart.” “I’m sorry that I’m not good enough, mom.” “I wonder what questions I missed.” “See I told you I wasn’t very good at math, here is the proof.”

I wanted to scream. I wanted to rip those ridiculous pieces of paper into a million, zillion pieces. I wanted to yell “These bold lines DO NOT show your worth or value as a human.” Instead, I went to the storage cave in our basement. I found my own ITBS (Iowa Tests of Basic Skills) scores from the mid-1980’s (yes…my mom saved these along with my report cards and ‘Nikki can cut a straight line’ awards).

They were shocked. I felt like I was in a time warp. As I looked at my own bold, black lines the feelings came rushing back, the tears formed.  I was reminded of my own feelings of ‘unworth.’ Yuck. Turns out these tests showed that I wasn’t very smart. Not at all.

My children didn’t understand – how could their mother, now a College Professor have only scored in the 40th, 60th, and 80th percentile? This was the PERFECT time to really talk about the connection that exists between intelligence and ‘worth.’

I shared with them that I am not (nor ever was) good at taking tests. I overthink everything. I told them I flunked my Driver’s Test. Laugh, because it is funny. On the test was a picture of a stop sign. The question was, “What do you do when you see this sign?” My children said, “You stop.” I told them I got the question wrong – commence hysterical laughter. Then I said to them, “I didn’t answer stop. I answered slow down. Because I could be two blocks away from the stop sign. I could see it 1/2 mile away. I’m not going to stop when I see it. I’ll stop when I arrive to the foot of the sign.”

Now my children think I should take the ‘Driver’s Test’ people to court because their test was wrong and I was right.  I think they really just wanted another scoop of ice cream…which they received upon their compliments.

Let me underscore this posting with the fact that I don’t have a better answer and I know the purpose of testing. I get it, I really do. I’m a teacher – and tomorrow I’ll post from a teacher point of view.  We need standards. We must evaluate our students to understand what they do and do not know. For some occupations and curricular areas, testing makes perfect sense. This is really more of a call for balance, a call for recognizing fireflies as much as we recognize academic superstars.

What are fireflies? A blog post last year from HandsFreeMama moved me in several ways. The post is about children who shine from within, not children who shine on a piece of paper. I felt a strong connection to this post, because I was that child – and I am raising those children. My question is, is there a way that we can recognize ‘soft skills’ in the same way we recognize quantifiable skills?


It’s imperative…and especially for children like Tucker.

So, what changed in me? How did I finally feel good enough? I went to college. When I went to college I realized that my ‘personal qualities’ excelled. I will be forever grateful to those Professors who taught me that I was ‘good enough.’

So, tell your fireflies to shine. Shine from within. Shine in the process.  Teach your children that their worth is not a bold, black line. It is not dictated by a bubble test.  The test that really matters? The one from Galatians, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” There may not be a test to measure these things…but they are the most important.

That is what I told my children. Your worth is not in this bold, black line. Sure, your math shows 47%. You know what’s at 100%? Your generosity in your willingness to give to charities, your ‘want’ to give school supplies to children who need them, your ability to share how you are feeling, your kindness in helping a friend, your willingness to experience new things, your worth is in life…not a quantifiable mark on a piece of paper.

 They may not be honor students, but they are students who are full of honor.

11 thoughts on “Day #169 – My Child Is Not An Honor Student

  1. Reblogged this on The ADHD Diaries and commented:
    I’ve always been a student that has struggled to make the ‘honor roll’ but this is exactly what my mom always told me. It’s gotten me to where I am today. Thanks to the moms that encourage their children behind the grades and beyond the numbers.


  2. Soft skills are so underrated. Having an aptitude for a certain academic subject is great. But if you don’t have any work ethic, what good will it serve you in the long run?


  3. Pingback: Day #233 – Plagued With Plagiarism | 366 Days of Autism

  4. Pingback: Day #252 – Why We Do Art | 366 Days of Autism

  5. Thanks for the link. I think this will be very helpful for folks in the coming weeks. It’s wonderful to read how you validate your kids. And I love your driver;s test answer. Very literal, huh?


  6. Reblogged this on Teachezwell Blog and commented:
    As testing looms ahead for local families, this post is a good reminder that tests do not measure some of the most important qualities we possess. Look how long it took this outstanding mom to move past her own “crushing” test scores. And note how she is shaping her kids’ sense of worth. Awesome!


  7. Pingback: Day #327 – Indexing | 366 Days of Autism

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