Yesterday you read a bit about the wonderfulness that is my husband.
Some people get tired of hearing about how much I love him.
I don’t care.
Some people get tired of our ‘mushy.’
I don’t care.
Some people get tired of our public proclamations of love.
I don’t care.
Why? Well….as a mom, of a child, with some special stuff going on there are times that you feel VERY alone. A good friend of mine sent me a message two nights ago and said, “I cannot believe you went through that testing alone. You had no one with you? If I knew you then, I would have gone…you wouldn’t have even had to ask.” (See Day 3 Ready, Set, Diagnose, Day 4 Round up to Test, and Day 5 The Two Way Window)
As parents, we do what we have to do. I’ll admit though, it’s a bit easier with someone by your side. My husband is just that. After years of holding it in…I nearly burst into a thousand pieces two summers ago. He held me…I cried. I couldn’t say what I needed so badly to say, what I had wanted to say for years. He said, ‘It’s okay…say it…you know I love you no matter what you have to say…let it go…go ahead…’
It came flying out. I was so angry. I was so thankful that I had Tucker – but so angry that this is his life. So angry that he has to deal with this every day. I was so mad at God for doing this to MY child. Tucker would never be able to know what it’s like to have your brain just work. This will always be a battle for him. Always. Every. Single. Day. And it feels horrible to say all of that…it feels horrible to say you wish your child was…um… ‘normal.’
And then I wanted to take it all back. Because I didn’t mean it. But, I did. I meant every single word. But I love him – and if I truly loved him – why would I want him to be different?
That’s true life, folks. Ugly and Beautiful.
He held me as I sobbed. Kissed my forehead and said, “It’s about time – you don’t have to hold this in. You don’t have to do this alone. When I married you a month ago I promised you that you would never be alone. Ever. For any part of life. This is included…you’ve been holding this in for 10 years and never felt loved enough to say any of it to anyone else. Say it all to me. Being alone isn’t just physical…I meant emotional. You do not have to deal with your feelings alone, lay them on me. I want them.”
In that moment, I knew I found my support and that is THE very reason I don’t care if people are disgusted by our love.
Last night we talked and decided that the next six years of baby steps would include: thinking, researching, and praying. Together.
Find your someone. Maybe it’s…
your best friend
Find yours. The person who you completely trust…the person you can say anything to…the person who won’t judge you, or fix it for you, or give you some piece of advice that doesn’t really make a difference…that person. Find them, and then – take care of them – because your soul will never feel alone again.
For the rest of you? It’s pretty simple.
Be someone’s someone.