#42 – Trouble with Peers

See this picture?


Does anything look odd to you?  Possibly not – until you recognize that #39 spends 90% of his time not in the ‘group.’

#39 is Tucker.

Let me tell you – this is through NO fault of his coaches or teammates.  It’s just how he is…rarely a part of the group.

Parents of children on the spectrum…hold your breath.  Well, honestly – any parent, hold your breath.  This post *may* make you cry.

In 5th grade Tucker was interviewed by a researcher at a local University.  The researcher was studying children who have ‘high-functioning’ Autism.  The researcher contacted me to see if I thought Tucker would be a good candidate for interviewing.  I replied with an emphatic, YES!  He is his own best advocate.  He is an advocate for other children on the spectrum.

Since he is a minor, I stayed for the interview. What a phenomenal experience.  To hear your child accurately describe their difficulty with peer relationships is amazing and heartbreaking.

The researcher began by getting to know Tucker.  About 15 minutes in he began asking the questions…

(R=Researcher, T=Tucker)

R: “Do you know other children with Austim?

T: “Oh sure.  A few kids at my school.  But we’re all different.  Do you know about the spectrum?”

R: “Yes, I know about the spectrum.  So, are you friends with them?”

T: “Kind of.  Sort of.  I mean, I guess so.  Not really.  I know who they are but they wouldn’t be overnight friends.”

R: “Okay.  How about other kids at your school?  You’re really funny and seem like an awesome kid, I bet you have lots of friends.”

T: “No, I don’t.”

R:(Looking Shocked) “Really?  I’m sorry Tucker, that surprises me.  I thought you would have lots of friends.  I’m really sorry that you feel you don’t have friends.”

T: “Oh, I have friends.  Lots of them.  My mom’s friends.  The people that she works with really like me.  Then I have Matt’s friends, my dad’s friends, I have all kinds of grown-up friends.  My teachers are my friends too – and my coaches – Coach Velky, Coach Chaplin, Coach Staack, Coach Snyder, Coach Eckenrod, Coach Leonard.  They are my friends.  And Lisa from Kwik Star – she’s my friend.  She always makes me smile and always talks to me.  It’s okay though.  Really.  The kids make fun of me behind my back, you know when they think I can’t really hear them? I can tell they don’t really want to be my friend.  They don’t choose to sit by me.  They don’t include me in their parties.  They don’t take the time to try to understand.  So, I decided to just be friends with grown ups.  Really it’s a lot easier.  I know they will take the time to try to understand me.  They will be kind to me.  They will not make me feel sad.  So, I just choose to be friends with grown ups.”

The researcher just looked at me.  I stared at Tucker with tears in my eyes…but holding them back.

When we got home he went to play with our Xbox.

When we got home I went into the bathroom and cried.

I didn’t cry because he has difficulty with peer relationships.  I knew this would be a factor – I was anticipating that difficulty.  I know that he has several boys who are ‘friends’ – while he may not be on birthday party lists – they would never allow someone to be mean to him.

I cried because he was (and is) okay.  He understands his experience.  He was (and is) mature beyond his years – making the conscious choice to be with those who want to be with him and not worry about those who don’t.

So, that picture above?  It used to bother me – but it doesn’t anymore.

I’ve realized that if it doesn’t bother Tucker, then it cannot bother me.

Tucker has taught me so much about what it is important in life.

Being with those who want to be with us…not worrying about those that don’t. 

It took me 38 years to learn that, it took him 10.

11 thoughts on “#42 – Trouble with Peers

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  11. This didn’t make me cry. Maybe because I just got thru crying while telling Ian’s mom about an older child in school who seems to be annoying Ian on purpose.
    This made my heart ache. Wii Ian ever be ok like tucker?
    We have transferred him to a ‘small’ school, would he ever find happiness in spite of not having friends?
    I must keep busy. Dreaming of raising autism awareness among schoolmates is a probability now that i found your indexed articles.
    Thank you.


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